raverX

So this is a venting post. I'm sitting here a little tired, a little hungover and struggling to work out whether I'm at the 2nd or 4th stage of grief.

9 years ago I met a girl and we went out for 4 short but for me electric weeks. The girl stole my heart and then broke it again.

I still remember the first time we kissed, when she told me I had "an infectious personality" and how I cried after we broke up when I watched the sun rise and it reminded me of the colours in her eyes.

We drifted, as most people do and then 4 or 5 years later she looked me up. She'd moved to country NSW and we started talking again. Every time we saw each other emotions flowed but everything seemed against us - it was never going to eventuate.

Come forward a few more years and we meet up again and the emotions are strong but we resign ourselves to the fact that it just seems like we are never going to get a chance. Soon after I break up with the girl I'm seeing and a window of opportunity, albeit a small one, opens up.

She confesses she always thought she'd end up married to me and tells me she loves me. She takes a huge leap of faith and moves 1,000 km to be literally 10 minutes from my home and we get together.

On Valenties Day she officially asks me out. Nearly 9 years of friendship, 3 years of emotional saga and we are finally together.

I'll pause a moment to go off on a few tangents.

I've always believed I am cursed with love. None of my relationships have gone particularly well and some of that is probably my fault. I have anxiety issues at times and although I am constantly trying to put myself into situations that help me overcome this, I know they do sometimes get in my own way.

I'll also note that I believed she needed to be single first before we dated, as I believed she needed to find herself before she could be truly happy - and I didn't want to risk it all coming apart.

But when you have a beautiful woman telling you she wants to be with you, it's extremely hard to say NO.

So let's continue.

A few months ago things started to get shakey as a result of her Uni course starting and the situation, but nothing I thought we couldn't overcome together.

Things got tougher for her and I guess I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been. We started spending less and less time together and the relationship felt like it went on hold. I chalked it up to her uni and work commitments taking priority and just hoped that when the next round of holidays came she'd be able to relax enough that we'd get back on track.

Apparently not. Holidays came and went and the time we spent together continued to decline.

For the last month we've fought, usually over the same subject - we're not spending any time together. Finally this all came to a headway last week and although I thought the outcome of all this was that we weren't going back to "just friends", after another discussion last night brought on by the subject of her attendance at my 30th this weekend, it appears that is infact exactly where we are.

It's at this point I'm stuck. I've been "just friends" before and it's has never gone well. The whole concept of being "just friends" scares the living hell out of me. The whole concept of losing the person who I most adored has absolutely crushed me.

This was not just anyone, a random relationship, this was the one person I thought I always wanted to be with - and whom I thought always wanted to be with me. This was the better part of 3 years in the making.

She'll probably hate the fact that I'm writing this. Not that many people read this drivel, but I feel lost, I feel numb and "Sorry" just isn't working for me. You can't open Pandora's box and then change your mind without there being repocussions.

I know there is nothing I can do to change the situation, but it doesn't stop me from wishing there was even the slightest bit of hope left for us.

At the same time I wonder if I would ever give her that chance again?

[pause]

Re-reading and re-reading this I am starting to wonder if perhaps we did rush into this too quickly.

She had just come out of a 6 year relationship and most people need a break after something like this. We didn't really take a break as I came out of one relationship and straight into another too.

It may even be part of the reason I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, and with her commitments and mine the timing just wasn't right.

We both wanted to be with each other so much - but it all fell apart.

A part of me wants to believe that if we are meant to be together, it will happen and that now is just not the right time.

The other part of me feels cold and numb - torn apart by the one person I truly love.