raverX

A constant thought has been going through my head the last few days. It basically drums down to the personality I seem to be constantly attracted to - one which is, as I feel, my opposite.

I have spent most of my childhood as the introvert. The person who hid from the world and in some part shed away from social gatherings. I used to hate family get togethers, and would spend most my time on the computer.

Yet I seem to be constantly attracted to the exact opposite, both in friends and in partners. I seem to end up surrounded by extroverts. Charasmatic beings who find it hard to be anything but around others, centre of attention and living life to the fullest.

I admit that in some circles, albeit odd ones, I tend to float to the surface. My own character starts to extrude and I become the extrovert in a group of introverted individuals.

But yet something always holds me back.

I am surrounded by extroverts. I am in some way mid way between the two, unsure of really where I stand. My own self doubt and self confidence holding me back, whilst my mind, crazy as it can be at times, longing to push further and expell the ridiculous connotations that beg to pour from my mouth.

I sometimes feel like ying and yang all wound in to one. I love to socialise, but I beg to just be alone.

I have spent so many years focussing so strongly on my business that I have left little time for others it would seem. Quite often my communication with others is a direct result of my need for something else - albeit sometimes that something else is companionship, but quite often it is a need that I want fulfilled.

Prior to that I spent many a year in the centre of the rave scene - partying hard around a group of extroverted crazy people, pushing the boundaries of mental sanity and lavishing the thrill of being in the centre.

Where do I fit in? Sometimes I just don't know myself.