raverX

So last night we ended it. An unfortunate product of me pushing and her pushing and now it's over. By the end of the conversation I had nothing more to say - I am emotionally drained at this point in time.

Going back a few steps - following my 30th we got back together; an event I thought was monumental based on what was said and something I hoped would prove to be our salvation.

During the 2 weeks since I took a few things perhaps a little too personally and was disappointed by the fact that she did not have time to see me, nor was able to attend a weekend meet away that I have on. As a result I cracked it. I guess this was all due to happen eventually - everything had built up within me over the last few months and it all comes out as one big fit.

All weekend I hoped she'd call, or visit or something to show me she was trying. To show me that my fears that nothing had changed were in my head and that we were OK. Don't get me wrong, I didn't sit at home waiting for the phone to call, but with mobile phones these days it's not hard to make that call.

I didn't really hear from her and Sunday I spent working around the house and started stewing over everything. I wasn't able to do that Saturday as I was out Go-Karting and Jet Skiing, all of which I'm sure are things that Will did for my benefit and to try and keep my mind off what's been going on.

But by lunch time Sunday I had worked myself silly and had an urge to tell her how I felt - how I felt neglected and how I felt like I kept coming last to everything and everyone else. I was upset and emotional and tired.

Sadly I'm not the world's most patient person. I know that and I try - but alas this is one time that I really should have been a bit more patient. Moments after I clicked "SEND" on the email whilst I was getting ready to mow the lawn, she dropped in during her 2 hour break between shifts. At that moment my heart sunk as I knew when she read the email it was all going to go pear shaped. She had made an effort, which is all I had wanted her to do - and I'd gone and put my foot in my mouth moments sooner.

I was on the defensive as a result of my pent up emotions and half wanting to pre-empt the email I raised the key topics of it with her and we ended up in a fight. What upset me the most wasn't the fight, but the fact that I realised I was really off the mark with some of my assumptions, which would only make what I had sent her worse.

She got home, read it and reacted. I took her reaction badly and reacted back. None of this was for the good. She had to go back to work and said she'd reply when she had finished thinking about what was said.

I went around to Warren and Julies for dinner - fearing the response that would ensue and when I returned home later that night I got it.

Ironic really that after all this time, her stress had been pushing me (and everyone else) away - and when I realised how badly my email would be received I threw my own defences up and pushed her away.

At this point I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything I can do.

Part of me wants to try and make it through round 3, apologise for my attrocious behaviour, accept my assumptions were wrong and try and work through it - hoping that she'll realise we've both made mistakes and none of this is going to be easy, but if we can get through it, the reward will be worthwhile.

Another part of me realises that with the level of stress she's under she probably can't give me what I want or need for quite some time and that what she needs right now is my support as a friend.

The other part of me accepts that she won't let me help - and perhaps I am best leaving her alone for now in the hope that she can push through and maybe one day she and I may get a chance to try again.

I instantly regret everything that happened yesterday. I wish like my birthday there was some way to roll back time and re-do what has been done and make it right.

Sadly life doesn't offer a rewind button and whilst I'm sure I'll spend the next week or so replaying the events over and over in my mind, all I can do now is try and get through it.

I'd like to believe there is still hope.